“All My Demons Greeting Me as a Friend”
“All I need is to remember How it was to feel alive”
“In my journey I don't even find the familiar landmarks I used to know. Nothing is any longer the same.”
All of a sudden I realized that I have been looking for a parental love more than last 20 years. The goal is unachievable because the time when I was a boy and was living with my parents and they were there with me had passed by. Any kind of present impressions can't deliver such a feelings. Just an emulation is accessible. For an emulation of childhood happiness, I have been seeking all these years.
Subconsciousness fear to lose rests of the family I had grown up had to lead me to aberrations, mindsets that formed a base for depression, anxiety, frustration, weakness, procrastination, indifference, identity fluctuations.
Thanks to the art of stalking for understanding that I am not a leaf on the wind. Now no one can’t push me in my decisions anymore.
And I remember all my thoughts and ways they have crossed my mind. I have believed that finding a boyfriend/partner will solve all my problems at once. That it is just only one thing that I need to puzzle in to be happy and free.
In my thirteen I had noticed that males are such attractive for me as females. Equally.
Due to the fact that a child at birth and later in the first hours, days, months and years, has not received enough attention and proper imprints, an adult formed installation to postpone self-realization until one is sated with care and love of parents. But really this is an unquenchable thirst for the impossible relations, a neurosis that substituting parental love by men and women with whom an adult gets intimate relationships while the search for love turns into a search for evidence of this imprint.
Resentment against the whole world (the parents) imprint. Fulfillment and happiness, deferred at the time of suffering due to the search for unreal relations against the background of the search of pleasure, self-destructive addictions, and identity problems. BPM 1 (ocean of bliss) and BPM 4 (freedom) are perceived as necessary and priority, and BPM 2 (a desperate stressful situation) and BPM 3 (a tense of the struggle for life) as the excess to be forgotten. Once an adult perceives the content of the relevant BPM 2 and BPM 3 the one instead of taking the integrity of himself and the world going to stay in the states of BPM 1 for a while and to be in the full realization and freedom states of BPM 4 as quickly as possible. A comprehensive experiencing the situation tends to hide.
Commit to bliss and freedom, plus the desire to avoid the stress and struggle (fixation too, but inverted).
And everything is so confusing that the modes of obligation put self-realization and happiness in the work at last.
One gets the feeling that only received such experiences, albeit in the form of emulation, a person can finally be oneself, and finally start doing what oneself want, not what "is needed".
Rather, it is only got aware of yourself, you start to live the real life of the real you. Realizing your feelings, emotions, thoughts, intentions...
But the most, it is the understanding of usual ways of the movements of thoughts, tracing the movements of electrical impulses along their neural pathways through reflex arcs of ganglia. Witnessing of the casual observer the activity of one's own patterns of excitation of neural structures.
A further understanding of oneself individual, we can even say, familiarity with oneself.
It is self-awareness, awareness of these internal contents releases. Getting new experiences of the old unconscious obsessive content makes by itself little or almost no difference in the imprint, and, consequently, the behavior of the individual. Those a new sexual experience itself, of course, facilitates the state, but basically, does not change anything. Let's just say, to gain experience is the execution of the program but the realization of the structure of imprints and their contents is correction the source code of the program after the last execution or on the go.
Experiencing the content executes the program or parts of it (sub-program).
Awareness of the content rewrites over the program.
Removing the program has not provided by the operating system architecture. We can’t delete items available in BIOS. We can not remove any element from the description of the world. But we can change the facades. What was important and took the front side of the psyche is relegated to the backyard, and now takes its place among the other once the ex-date, and now archived programs of fear, guilt, importance, etc.
In this case, aсcented sexual experience, of course, gives a discharge and release sealed energy. But the imprint, on the whole, is not about sex or orientation. The presence or absence of sexual experiences that corresponding to imprint has no effect on the imprint itself. Because imprint content is a child-father relationship model and child-parents relations model. And these unconscious relationship patterns tend to get embodied in the form of business and personal man-woman and man-man relationships, and, of relationship to the world as a whole. Those the projection of the parents is the world for the child. Hence the so frequent adults' infantile need of acknowledgment and love from all over the world, all the people; the sense of such individuals that everyone owed them or, at least, everyone should love them. Accordingly, the emphasized experience just confirms imprint and in the case of unawareness of what is happening just accumulates drama.
Those. This means: 1) my gender, it's probably forever but obviously it's flexible; 2) to perceive own sexuality is natural because any structure of the brain under the influence of the environment or genes is natural; 3) I am no longer punctuated by the theme of sexuality, that is, I know myself and my qualities, but I do not take them so seriously; 4) imprints and relationships programs of any orientation without realizing are subconscious reinforcement of the imprint: this means that the question is not who do you like to be with, but to become aware of oneself. This means that a person without realizing the imprint continues to be involved in relationships and scripts that only reinforce it. And specific details of the content are not important. Any addiction or abusive accentuation is an aberration, a cognitive bias. Happy people are all alike; every unhappy one is unhappy in its own way.
If we describe it in terms of the basal complex transformation, it turns out that I am fully aware of step 4, more than at half took step 5 and began step 6, translation to the level of the body (the compilation of the source code of the program rewritten into the new executable file).